The Language of Parenting

~Words Weave Magic~

by Janet Allison

"In the beginning, words and magic, were one and the same."
~ Sigmund Freud

Words are a unique aspect of our humanness, making it possible for us to understand each other in a deep way. We have all experienced the magic of words well spoken at an important time in our life. Those words may continue to work magic for you even now. They may have been words from a parent or a teacher, spoken at an important crossroad
in your life.

As adults, we have developed the ability to sort the words we hear. We filter out words we hear as worthless, not applicable or just plain superfluous, or we decide to keep them. Children do not yet have the ability to filter what they hear. They take every word at face value and believe every word you say. Rudyard Kipling said, "Language is the most powerful drug known to mankind." Our words can inspire or they can hurt. Our words may last a lifetime, will they have a positive or negative effect?

As parents, we do a lot of talking to our children, sometimes without getting results. Do you feel like you say the same thing over and over and then wonder why your children aren't doing what you've asked? Sometimes we simply say it more (changing the voice tone to more strident, perhaps!), hoping that that will increase understanding and result in action. However, having to repeat yourself is feedback to you that your communication is ineffective, it has become background noise for your child. Remember the adults in Charlie Brown? They were never seen but always heard, though only as a vague, "Waa Waa Waa." Have you become 'background noise' in your child's life? Even with good intentions, if our language is vague and our delivery is less than artful, we might as well be talking to a wall.

Being clear and to the point with our language is a skill that must be developed for we weren't taught this as we were growing up. When we learn to speak in specifics, using sensory-based language to describe what we can actually see, hear and feel, rather than making assumptions about behaviors and situations, we create connections and increase our ability to be understood. It also gives us more choices and enables us to be flexible as new situations arise.

Knowing what you want is also an essential component of clear communication. Rather than stating what you don't want: "Don't put your shoes on the couch." Try instead: "I want you to keep your shoes on the floor." Making sure your request is a manageable size, appropriate to your child's age, will ensure successful follow through.

Adding new ways to use language with your child is one of the best ways to create a change that will ripple out into your family and the world. Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), along with other brain-based research, has proven the connection between mind and body. Our language affects our thoughts and our thoughts affect our bodies and how we feel. So as you begin to change your language, your thoughts begin to change and how you feel about parenting begins to change. When that changes you'll begin to notice your children are changing, too!

A shift in your language leads to a shift in your thoughts, which leads to a shift in your behavior and feelings. So, watch out! Great things are happening! As Ghandi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." And, now, you can also be the change you wish to see in your family. And you can know that the change will ripple down through the generations to come.

Copyright 2008 by Janet Allison. Permission is granted to print this article for personal use only. For other purposes, contact the author.

A Million Ways to be a Good Parent

by Janet Allison

When you've been cooped up with the kids for too long, it is helpful to remember: there is no way to be a perfect parent and a million ways to be a good one!

February brings a glimmer of sunshine along with a flurry of hearts and candy. All of those Valentine's are outward expressions of our love and affection. How can we deepen those expressions of love in our family? When we take time to focus on what we appreciate and like about our children, and ourselves, our affection and appreciation will last longer than the chocolates.

Choose a lasting place to write your reflections, as you will be creating a treasure that you can continue to add to over time. When you are specific with your language, you will deepen your connection to the images you are creating with your words. You are building a picture of the man or woman your child is on their way to becoming.

We take in the world through our senses, so it may be helpful to reflect on each sense, as you write. What do you see? What can you feel? Do you hear voices, music, or other sounds? What do you taste or smell?

Create some quiet time for yourself and consider these questions:

1. 1. What do I like about my child?
   Look past current 'misbehaviors' towards qualities that will 'stand the test of time.' How will your three year old's stubbornness serve her when she is 16 and dealing with peer pressure?
   Be specific! For instance, "I like that my son remembers to take his shoes off by the door when he comes inside." (Never mind that they may be covered with mud which is oozing onto your white throw rug, you're focusing on what you like right now!)
2. 2. What qualities and skills would I like to encourage in my child?
   Knowing what you are aiming for makes getting there a whole lot easier. Qualities are the building blocks that contribute to the essence of your maturing child. Behaviors, on the other hand, come and go. Are there certain skills that you could be fostering? Keep in mind what is developmentally appropriate.

Then bring your insights into your daily life by:

1. 1. Appreciating and acknowledging your child
   out loud!
   Use Third-Person Parenting
   . When you speak about a quality you want to reinforce for your child, commenting on it to someone else tends to carry more weight than when you speak directly to your child. Children like to hear you talking about them. Afterall, what could be more interesting? Focus on the positive with grandma on the phone or when you see a friend. Tell the world how wonderful your children are, and do it so they will 'overhear' you.
2. 2. Being the 'storehouse' of your children's achievements
   You can help them recall past successes when their confidence is a little shaky, boosting their esteem and encouraging them to begin again.

NOW, what about you? You are so busy making sure everyone else is taken care of, why not take some time to applaud yourself?!

1. 1. What do I like about myself as a parent?
   You were a person before you were a parent, what did you like about yourself then? Now you've got the most important job on the planet (with no training and very little time off). What are you doing well? Your children are thriving, and YOU are the one making it happen. Again, be specific and give yourself full credit!
2. 2. What qualities and skills would I like to include in my parenting even more?
   As with everything, there is always room for growth and improvement. What would you like to boost? When you give focus to it in a specific way, changes will begin to happen and you will have more of what you want. For instance, "I want to encourage my child to be more self-sufficient so I am going to patiently teach him to pack his lunch box each day rather than doing it myself because it is easier for me."

So now when you see all those hearts and flowers around you this month, you know you've focused some of that love inwardly. Remember to congratulate yourself and celebrate your wisdom every day. And realize there are a million ways to be a good parent!

Believe in Yourself!

by Janet Allison

Excerpted from the February Meeting -
Portland Mamas, Inc.

Perhaps you've heard that the only qualifications needed for being a parent are:

• I was a kid once.
• I can procreate.

Yikes! You ask for more qualifications from your employees than our children require of us! No matter where we are in our parenting journey, we've undertaken a job that we are least prepared for and that matters the most. A gift our children give to us is having us look in the mirror and truly seeing ourselves, maybe for the first time.

• What do you believe about being a parent?
• Why do you believe it? What influenced you?
• Does it serve you and your family to keep believing it?
• What does your partner believe?
• How do your beliefs align with your partner's beliefs?

You will find that if you are clear about what you believe, your decisions will be clearer and you will be able to keep them. Its hard work to look at these aspects of ourselves, yet, if we 'raise' ourselves first, we'll find that raising our children gets easier.

Rapport

RAPPORT is the key to success in all relationships. Rapport is the harmonious connection that makes another person want to hear what we have to say. To be in rapport with another is to have respect, curiosity, and no judgments, you don't necessarily have to agree. When you know how to be in rapport with your children, partner, or business colleagues you will find you have flexibility and choice in all conversations and negotiations.

Thoughts

THOUGHTS affect our inner and outer world. We have over 50,000 thoughts each day. Are they positive or negative? Do you have demons lurking? Or do you talk to yourself in the soft, encouraging tones of a best friend?

Language

LANGUAGE is the outward manifestation of our thoughts. Spoken language is the gift of being human, yet we take it for granted. Afterall, do you remember a time when you couldn't speak? Language shapes us, even in utero, as mom's voice stimulates muscle responses in the fetus which then lay down new neural pathways in the developing brain. Language is the number one influence on your children.

Much of your child's outlook on life will be determined by the way you speak to them and about them. Children understand literally. They have no ability to filter out what doesn't apply to them. Do your words convey excitement, joy of living, possibility and love?

Scientists have determined that our communication consists of: 55% body language, 38% voice tone, 7% words. At the PMI meeting, we noticed how our body was positioned as we sat by a friend and noticed how we changed it when we imagined that that same person was being offensive to us. A shift in space away from the other, turning head, and moving shoulders were some of the changes. We made sure to return to the body language of sitting by a good friend!

We practiced saying an innocuous phrase, "Peas, carrots and spinach," as though we were talking to a waking baby, and then on our grumpiest day. Wow! Voice tone really counts!

Words, only 7%, but what a big 7%! We thought about the labels we 'earned' in our childhood. Do they still apply? What was the specific behavior that was labeled? We considered that a 'rebellious' child might only be a child who was curious and asked a lot of questions. And we pondered how we might be labeling our own children in similar ways. Describing the behavior is more accurate than putting an arbitrary label on it.

We learned how one specific word can create an opening to possibility. "Mom, I can't climb that tree." "Oh, you can't climb that tree, yet." Adding yet to your child's negative claim offers them the possibility that he may be doing that soon.

Believing in yourself, being in rapport and using language artfully, will make a difference in your life, your child's life and even in the lives of your grandchildren because your children will naturally use the techniques you are able to learn now!

Successful Parents Create Healthy Families

by Janet Allison

First printed in: Rogue Valley Parent, March 2007

Are you counting the days until the arrival of your little one? Or are you already experiencing the joy of looking into the eyes of your newborn?

Thoughts of what your baby will be like as she or he grows may enter the quieter moments of your days and nights. Are you also wondering about what kind of parent you want to be?

While it seems that parenting 'should' come naturally, it is actually a skill that must be learned. We may merely repeat the way we were parented, or we can consciously decide what worked from our past and add new skills based on new information.

The field of Neuro-Linguistics provides us with the ability to model people who are experts and then teach their methods to others. In modeling successful families, experts have studied the parents, rather than the children.

To create healthy families, successful parents know it is important to:

Take care of yourself first. Much like an artesian well, the source must be safe-guarded so that there is always plenty to give. Pursuing your dreams, taking care of your health and well-being, are excellent models for your children and create a healthy, happy atmosphere for your family.

Show you are in charge. By being the parent and not a friend or confidante with your child, you create a healthy authority. Your child needs this loving authority to guide them and provide a reliable touchstone.

Make firm decisions. You provide a web of safety and confidence for your child when they see you are in charge. By making firm decisions and creating solutions to problems, children learn to trust you and also learn how to be effective problem-solvers themselves.

In order to have healthy families, and well-adjusted children, we need to hone our skills as parents. Learning new skills modeled from successful parents, increases our expertise and the whole family benefits!

Powerful Language

by Janet Allison

March 2007

Rudyard Kipling said, "Language is the most powerful drug known to mankind." Imagine the 'power' we have as parents! We have the 'power' to encourage and uplift our children and we also have the 'power' to communicate messages of hopelessness and failure.

Perhaps you have a voice from the past, still echoing across the years, with a message that was less than positive?

By taking great care with our language, we have more choices to offer our children and others around us. We can choose language that is supportive and encouraging... even when talking to ourselves!

Here is some 'new' language to try:

What do you want instead?
If you find yourself telling your children 'don't do this' and 'stop doing that' over and over, take a breath. Now, think about what you DO want them to do. Rather than saying, "Don't spill your milk." Try instead, "Hold your cup carefully so the milk stays inside.

...yet.
This deceptively simple three-letter word can come to the rescue of your child's sense of accomplishment. "I can't do algebra!" your child laments. Imagine how differently he will feel when you respond, "Oh, you can't do algebra yet." It allows for possibilities that may not have been recognized before.

Ask a Question
When someone asks you a question, whether you realize it or not, your brain is racing to find an answer. Rather than nagging your child to pick up her coat again, ask her, "Where else can you put your coat?" Now, she can think of a solution on her own.

Pick a 'new' language pattern and try it for a day. Notice the positive results you get! With practice, these patterns will become second nature and you and your family will benefit from your skilled, supportive language choices and the echoes your children hear will only be your positive, encouraging voice.

Family Fun ~ Speed Scrabble!

by Janet Allison

April 2008

Pull out the letter tiles from your old Scrabble game and get ready for some fun! This game will help young children with their spelling. Older children enjoy the race to use all the tiles. All ages love the challenge! Play in teams or individually. No scorekeeping! You can go slow and wait for everyone to finish or speed things up and see who finishes first!

Here's how it works: Unlike a regular Scrabble game, you are creating and building only on your own tiles. You build words in a grid, in typical Scrabble fashion. You can switch tiles around, change words, and even start over completely, anything to use up all your tiles!

To begin: All tiles are turned face down. Each player draws 5 tiles and the game begins as you turn tiles over in unison.

When you've used all the tiles in your hand, say, "take two" and all players draw two more tiles. Continue creating and re-creating words, using all the tiles in your hand.

Game is over when there are no more tiles to draw and one player has used all of their tiles. If you choose, each player can continue and try to use all their tiles, or just begin a new game.

Be sure to admire interesting and creative words. For children, its good practice to read aloud the words they've created. For younger children, play slowly or in teams. Have fun! (And start noticing all those Q words!)

For an added challenge: www.bananagrams-intl.com packages 144 letter tiles in a cloth banana, and includes game variations. Watch out, though, each set contains two Q's and two Z's!

Testimonials

from parents

May 2008

Posted on urbanmamas recently: "I just finished taking a class from Janet Allison called the Language of Parenting and I wanted to pass on the great resource. I have referred a couple of close friends. They are taking the class right now and are loving it too.

I am a pediatric nurse practitioner by profession so I have been perusing books to see if they are helpful with parenting and communication issues for quite some time. Having a child who is now 6 has put some of those techniques to the fire. I have found a few good ones but a number of them don't resonate with me, aren't very effective, or too laborious in process.

Janet was referred by word of mouth to me by someone who had taken her class. She has an extensive background that includes both education and hands-on experience in her previous life as a Waldorf teacher and she is a parent. The 5 series class was a mix of information and activity and has allowed me to break some cycles of negative communication and frustrating interaction patterns that I saw blooming with my daughter. It is amazing to me how the "little things" can derail an entire morning that looked pretty cheery when I woke up!

It starts with getting to the table to breakfast, then putting on shoes, to getting/transitioning out the door in the a.m. for school. It has helped me get clear on what behavior I want in various situations and made crystal clear that how I communicate that desire impacts the process, and therefore the outcome.

I loved the analogy Janet used for her class - she was giving us tools for my toolbag. When I use the tools in my toolbag, I find myself asking different questions, using different language, and the energy is shifting and that feels good for everyone. All that to say that class was great and I learned a lot! Live, learn, and pass it on with love!" Jennifer, April 2008.